let's vibe06.oct.25 
Dear Diary,
Today, I want to kill myself again. I probably shouldn't start this entry off with that, though, so let's lay down some lighter basics, like my morning.
Today is the day of my English 1123 Paper 2 (Writing) test, the one I was worried for for a little while now. I stayed up until around 3a.m. last night doing my full exam run--full uniform tryon (I felt gross for this too, btw. Made me not want to eat today. Spoiler: I did eat today. I just do not have the capacity to care for anything right now. Or any moment before now. Every moment before now that is today.), and exact exam conditions (those harsh flurorescent lights and uncomfortably high tables) and wore that one Victoria's Secret perfume heavily (the one that smells like strawberries and reminds me of Jessica Chen).
Yeah. The paper went really well. [Insert some details about the exam that I can't write about here], and the moment I was seated I felt so agitated by the clock, much more than usual, obviously, and there was a point where I couldn't take it anymore and stomped my foot three times. (saw a few heads turn to me...but can you blame me...I did feel really guilty, though) I was pretty disruptive and I'm not proud of it. On top of that, my perfume was probably too strong, but that's how I get in the mood for exams, so I really don't know what to do with that. I hope no one was particularly bothered by it. Anyway, in the middle of the exam, this lady with this tag she wore around her neck came in. She looked adjacent to that creepy principal from my "surveillance" dream, but much kinder. I think she was a Cambridge officer because after that Teacher Rachel and Teacher Supang were both really accomodating to her, then later Teacher Jordan.
Anyway, I saw that Section A was a speech aka my strong suit so I was reassured a little bit and as I began writing I felt my hands trembling but I remembered the "be brave" dream and just shook it all off. I wrote with pauses here and there after that, but in the end I managed the perfect word count--344 words. Then Section B? I was freaking out. I literally had a 5-10 minute fangirl/freak out session right in the exam room because I couldn't stop smiling/squealing (it was more screeching silently, talking to myself silently, wild hand gestures and looking like a complete maniac), but can you blame me? The prompt was perfect. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world in that moment. Hey! Maybe I really am the luckiest girl in the world. Luckiest person, maybe, because I got to use my 25/25 essay from my trial exams that I involuntarily memorised (I love my eidetic memory so much) WORD FOR WORD with the addition of only 1-2 more sentences.
Yeah, so of course I freaked out.
Now for my actual morning morning, I woke up at 7a.m. (I asked my mom to wake me) and I was surprisingly extremely alert. It was as if I hadn't slept at all, but I knew I was in bed by 3.30a.m., but I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I just laid still the whole night in bed without actually resting my mind, but I remember I had a dream, except I don't know if it was a true dream or my conscious thoughts. I ate breakfast. I played good, innocent kid again. I'm so tired just thinking about the performance. I think I went on my phone after that. Or maybe I slept. But I didn't feel like I'd slept.
At some point I set a 10-15min timer and laid down and set the intention to actually rest my brain. I don't really know if I did, but it was 10.30a.m. and I knew I had to get out of bed but there was just this lack of energy and this huge weight that just made me not want to move but eventually I sat up in bed and dangled my legs over my bed then stood up then walked once around my room (I meant to walk out of it but my muscles honestly felt so weak and I crashed back to bed and then got up again and riflied through my English papers (mock trial, trial papers) and read the essays I wrote for those in my bed), and eventually I did get up and went out and into the shower I kind of just forced myself to move on autopilot because the fear pushing me forward was honestly so stifling.
Yeah, that's how my morning went. As I reached near the school gate it started raining and I remember thinking in the car, "the weather knows me so well.", and wow.
After the test, it was raining so I stayed in the car even after arriving home for hours and sang some songs (lost one's weeping, so much more than this - grace vanderwaal, hated by life itself) until my phone lost battery and I stayed there. My head hurt immensely all around the back and the sides but I didn’t feel suffocated in the car, just empty. It was only when my mom rolled down a window slightly to let some outside air in did I feel my breathing get shallower and that the dizzy feeling came back so I quickly got out of the car.
Then I felt like I lost my senses when I got to my room because I didn’t turn on the lights or ac or fan or window and started dancing around and jumping randomly and kicking my football across my room. There was a point where it shot my window (it didn’t break, and it rolled across my bed which I would usually start panicking at because of the GERMS but I honestly didn't feel anything, I didn't react at all, I just watched it roll back down to the floor in silence), and I hit my foot against my closet due to the narrow walkway in my room and I felt the expected pain but didn’t react. My expression stayed expressionless the whole time and I felt like I was dancing frantically like not even seriously just shaking everything off then I started crying but I was still expressionless but it stopped quickly then I sat down cross-legged on my table which I've never done before and stared into nothing, no thoughts, no feelings.
At some point, I thought to record myself because of how bizarre the experience was but then as I reached for my phone I stopped and thought, "let me just vibe" and went back to that restless state. I also looked in the mirror a few times and tested some expressions (smiling, acting angry...felt like theatre practice) but I just didn't feel anything.
After that I stepped down from my table (cuz I was sitting on it right...), I suddenly walked towards my iPad and started googling the lethal dose for roxithromycin because it suddenly struck me that I had 2000mg in my room and that it was an antibiotic which means od would be feasible. It was kind of this rare chance, epiphanic thought (though I didn't feel anything. I was so light the whole time it felt surreal.). I kind of gave up after a few tries because the search engine just kept redirecting me to helplines and not providing me with the info I asked for (the filter upgraded?). I technically could've used many researching loopholes but I didn't have the energy to. I just. Was so tired.
Then at around 6.30p.m., I started typing out this entry. But I stopped at around the 10.30a.m. part because I didn't have the energy to continue. I laid my head down on my table and originally it was because I felt the headache again, but I ended up sleeping (ACTUALLY sleeping with ACTUAL dreaming this time) for around 1.5 hours until nearly 8p.m. and then I climbed into bed informally. I literally just curled up by the edge and started sleeping until 12a.m.-ish. Then I texted Niko at around 1.40a.m.
And now I'm here, and it's 4.42 a.m., and I'm going to do Add Math + Physics soon because those two tests are tomorrow. SO obviously today must be the day I fully prepare for both. I can do it. Both are my favourite subjects.
It's the next day, but since this is related I'll put it in this same entry. I woke up with my neck hurt, (deduced it was probably from shaking my head and doing those head-hitting gestures without actually hitting my head on one side) and all my muscles are aching rn (deduced it’s because as the frantic dancing happened it was vigorous exercise but it didn’t register that way and I wasn’t tired by it physically at all).