hellish state10.oct.25 
Dear Diary,
I slept the whole night (11+pm-5am) I don’t know if I actually slept, but I remember a dream so I think at least I went into REM and at least got light sleep. I just feel a bit sick but it’ll go away soon. I’m gonna do some add math prep until 7 then take a shower cuz I need to arrive in school by 8.30am. I’m kind of scared...
I finished my add math test!!! Omg add math IGCSE is officially over. My blood pressure feels high it’s 11.12am rn and I felt it shot up in my brain 5 min before the test ended (it ended at 10.55am)
I’m a bit disappointed I worked really hard and the second paper wasn’t as good as I hoped it would be. Like it’s extremely easy compared to the first, but I still didn’t do about 10 marks worth (I might have some marks here tho for some working but idk I just idk man) but the total marks is 80. But I need to compensate for the first paper. But I felt proud cuz I breezed through most of it and felt really alive and my writing was so neat.
I really hate myself right now. It’s 1.16pm and I ate lunch at 12pm but I only ate a few bites and then I thought I shouldn’t be eating lunch this early what if I want to eat for dinner so I need to eat later I shouldn’t eat at all what gives me the right to eat I’m not even planning on studying today and my graduation is in a month and then I don’t know I just really hate myself right now.
I already ate the cupcake just now and a few bites of lunch at 12pm. I just don’t want to eat anymore. And I feel like all my friends hate me. I think I said something bad but I can’t correct it it’ll make it awkward and they’re not responding anyway. I feel so annoying.
I feel like I’m free falling right now. I wish I can do something. At least when I had that splitting headache on oct8 it made me sleep (pass out? I don’t even know) and that moment on oct6 I was dancing and moving and just doing something. Now I feel like I'm stuck in a limbic state with bad thoughts and I can’t even sleep it out because I can’t sleep with bad thoughts, I need to make sure I only think positive thoughts so bad thoughts never come true.
I already played football for a while just now and there was just no joy and I stopped after a few minutes. I just don’t feel like doing anything and it's worse somehow because I have no active reason for it like at least on oct8 and 6 and every other day I was genuinely out of energy with the worst headache of my life and felt like I would pass out in every state but now I just don’t feel like doing anything at all I don’t even feel like listening to music or learning and it’s like I want to but I don’t feel like actually doing it like just now I wanted to finish this puzzle I bought months ago but I couldn’t bring myself to actually get up and do it.
I wanna cry I just wanna do math and watch some cool lectures but I just can’t bring myself to and I can’t even sleep this is hell. But I feel fine. I’m just. In a limbic state. I don’t know what to do.
I wrote this a few seconds ago. Oh and I forgot to mention after my exam like on my way back home my mom bought me this bear and I like the bear but I can’t bring myself to feel happy about it right now and i don’t have the bear right now and also I just realised I’ve been saying my mom is trying to “buy me” (literally buy the version of me she wants to see, the happy innocent childish child) when really it’s just love bombing, buying me super expensive things and using them as leverage for, “why don’t you still love me? Why are you still not grateful?”
I feel like sitting on my roof suddenly, like just opening my window and climbing out to sit on my roof. And I keep oscillating between just wanting to take the 2000mg roxithromycin but also not it’s like I keep mentally rehearsing it but I know I actually won’t because what good would that do I want to finish my exams and I have long term plans for my future and I need to have my brain fully functional and intact and even if I did attempt it needs to be instant and successful. So I won’t anyway I’m just so??
Also niko texted me this text about some character I don’t know and making a Pinterest board for the I can’t tell if he meant to text another person and he sent a wrong text to me or if I’m being paranoid I don’t know he never talks to me about game characters cuz he thinks I don’t get it and it’s true I don’t get it I hate video games and TikTok and fast media.
Best way I can describe how I'm feeling right now is my brain feels cold like calm kind of cold not freezing kind of cold and my heartbeat isn’t so loud that it goes to my ears. Oh yeah just now I also read a research article I felt alive from that and yeah it was pretty interesting it was talking about how socially deficient individuals (as an evolutionary trait, temperamentally wise) free up brain power for creative genius. It’s 4p.m. rn.
I just cleaned both of my desk drawers n I feel really tired now well my eyes feel tired at least my brain feels very alive now. I kinda wanna sleep.
Ok I CANNOT sleep. I’m too scared. No one knows this but for a few months now I’ve had this very irrational fear of hallucinating. I know I’m not psychotic and don’t have a peculiar history of it, I only have had two hallucination-like encounters before because I was in hypnagogic states for both times (only had these two encounters in my lifetime, both of these were this year but months ago, one was during sleep paralysis, the first and only time I’ve ever had sleep paralysis, and the other time I stayed up until 4am to study and my eyes were half open in the dark).
And well now I’m scared because there are these people who seem to be talking outside my window even though there’s no one there and my mom says it’s just our neighbours but they don’t sound like they’re coming from a neighbouring house they sound like they’re coming from outside my window and sometimes there’s this creepy laughter from a guy and my logical inference is maybe a homeless person living on our roof because sometimes at night I hear loud footstep like noises from the roof and my mom says they’re just stray cats when I told her? I don’t know tbh maybe those voices really are from our neighbours and I'm being paranoid...