no.3 this week11.oct.25

Dear Diary,

Ok so I DID fall asleep though I’m not even sure what time at this point. I also finished the leftovers of my lunch from 12pm at like 6.43pm and now it’s 11oct 1.55am and I literally woke up not knowing if it was am or pm...I think I'm gonna go back to sleep lol.

Ok dude I could not sleep and I literally had this huge sudden burst of energy and I’m not even tired I feel kind of warm though I hope I recover soon I need to be well for exams but anyway I just went on this like rabbit hole of graphic design and webdev and now I’m coding my site (again...) it’s been like 4 hours what m I doing lol it’s 5.11am rn.

2.35pm rn. I feel so. Guilty? Cuz I usually have cs class at 2 every Saturday but I haven’t been going for the entirety of October n it’s oct11 now haven’t been going cuz of exams but today I could’ve agreed, but my mom asked if I wanted to at 1 and I panicked and it pissed me off because she knows I take an hour to shower so I yelled no what would my cs teacher even think the first lesson he said I was the smartest student he’s ever met (3 months ago) I feel so. I don’t know. I know I’m smart I just need to practise a lot a lot of python during exam season and revise all my cs material so when nov comes it’s all good he’ll still be impressed I’ll still be good. Oh and I don’t know how I feel right now. I was singing a ton in the shower but I didn’t feel anything. After I showered I looked in the mirror and smiled and it looked real it made me think I was happy but then I could dissolve it instantly and I could do any other expression.

It’s 5.49pm. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t talk about oct6 or oct8 but I tried I really really tried, especially near the end of the session. Everything I opened my mouth to speak there was no sound and I would go into a spiral on why I should or shouldn’t say (spiral was out loud lol) and was pulling at my hair literally in like comedic frustration. He said it’s ok and to email him and I said I hate emailing and asked if I could write it down next week and he said he has smth to do next week so missing a week again and I said it’s fine. I SAID IT'S FINE.

At first actually the session before mine ran over time so I waited for abt 15 min outside and I was reading a children's book (one of my fav retellings of hansel and gretel where I get to "choose" the story). And then inside psych asked me if I had any updates, how my weeks have been etc and I literally couldn’t say anything I literally stayed silent for the first 15 minutes and he thought I couldn’t hear.

Then he suggested I talk about what made me happy first and I talked about my exams then I talked about how I wrote my trial exam essay into my real exam cuz the question for my trial was “a person finds a box” and for my real exam the question was “a person finds a box in a storeroom” and it was a funny moment. And then he asked abt the story I wrote and I started smiling in embarrassment and said thing is I extracted a character from a book I was writing into my essay and he was like a book you’re writing? You’re writing a book? And I said I’m writing two books. And he asked since when and I said since last year and he was like, “and you never mentioned that this whole time??” And I was like it’s not important. And he said ofc it’s important you don’t see many people writing books and I said yes I do see many people writing books and then he said ok but I think it’s a very talented thing and I got uncomfortable I started saying I wasn’t writing for that I was just writing for the sake of it. He asked what it was abt I just said sci fi. And then yeah he asked how I had the time to write I said not now obviously with exams underway.

He also went, "are you going to publish?" I said probably not because I'm just...writing. And he asked, "are you gonna show me one day?" and I said, "...no?" And he was like, "so you don't need an audience?" And again I was like, "...no?" LOL.

He was also surprised by how many papers I had to sit cuz I said I had 12 left and already sat for 5. + Told him about how my exam seasons are split into two aka one in may/june and one in oct/nov and he asked if I preferred this arrangement or if I preferred to sit all exams together and I said I prefer the split arrangement cuz, "my school combined two years together".

Then I told him I don’t know if I want my parents to go to my graduation and we went into this whole discussion on how I need to face the uncertainty by choosing a decision and affirming that I’m not choosing just for the sake of it but for a specific reason and to affirm that specific reason so that I can forgive myself if regret happens afterwards. But I still couldn’t talk about oct6 and oct8…I told him I was gonna talk about two days and I started with, “since I was 14 I would always stay in the car after hours even if the engine is off or on.” And I couldn’t continue beyond that.

Oh yeah and also abt facing the uncertainty of decisions too right I laughed and said “ok I just remembered this very hypocritical thing where someone asked me before how do you know if something is the right or wrong choice and I told them there’s no right or wrong decision because there are always more decisions after that” and my psych was like “ok and so the hypocrisy is you knowing that and saying it to someone else but not being able to practise it?” n I said yes lol

It’s okay. I can hold it. I always move forward. I can keep it inside no one can ever know I’m like this. I wish I can die right now. I can’t even die right now. This sucks. I don’t want to do anything I want to die why can’t I just die already why do I exist why am I still here. I feel fine. My head hurts again.

Okay I'm writing this the next day and I think I almost. Well idk. (which is to say, on this day, 11.oct.25). Ok no it was fine I’m being dramatic. This conversation happened in real time:

I think I played guitar after that then fell asleep?? Bro the whole experience was so surreal and I actually didn't even feel anything. It didn't feel like I was thinking either, which I KNOW makes no logical sense because of course I was thinking, otherwise I wouldn't be able to text at all, but it felt like I was just the channel that the thoughts used to convey themselves rather than me conveying thoughts I had. Like thinking was happening to me rather than me thinking, which also sounds normal because most of the time our thoughts are not our own anyway but really at the time it was like everything was on autopilot. It kinda felt like that moment from oct6. If I'm being honest I barely even read the texts he sent back I was just so out of it is that even the right phrase to use??

Also, I had a morbid dream last night where I cut off part of my pinky finger due to an abrasion on my fingertip and in the dream I knew I was dreaming it because when I played guitar yesterday I purposely slided my pinky finger across the thinnest string for the highest pressure with applied force

I’m really still really bothered by this dream. I have a lot of control over my dreams, I’m conscious of every action I do in my dreams and conscious of my thought processes basically my brain is still very active in my dreams I just can’t change the dream itself, basically it feels like real life, and cutting my finger off in THIS dream felt like, like after I did it I was left wondering how I didn’t even feel any pain and I was trying to reason with myself on why I did it (because there was an abrasion on my fingertip, it’s needed….its needed…) like I kept trying to convince myself it was rational but I knew it wasn’t and at some point I got really curious and picked up the piece of my finger I cut out (this is the part that’s really disturbing to me now because of how clearly I see it, I keep having to look at my finger in real life to make sure it's still there.) and looked at the cross section out of curiosity and it was horrifying; no bone obviously but pure flesh nd blood and my god

I’m so disturbed it’s so morbid the thing is I’m extremely averse to gore and I’ve never had morbid dreams like this before. I’ve dreamt scary dreams yes but not like actively being dissected or anything like that my usual scary dreams are like Godzilla kidnapping me or me fighting Godzilla or pack of Godzillas rampaging the city (wow I just realised I dream abt Godzilla a lot lol) or my friend holding out a knife to kill me or even just really really terrifying dreams (paranormal especially) but never actual harm to myself like this. I HAVE dreamt of attempting suicide but still nothing THIS MORBID where I can actually see every detail of the harm done and the fact that I was still alive for the aftermath.

END Log - 7.17 p.m. (n.d.)