bored14.oct.25 
Dear Diary,
Oh my god help me it’s 5.49am I accidentally slept the whole night oh my god I haven’t studied for bio p6 I'm so scared help me. It’s at 9 but I take like an hour to get ready and I need to be at school by 8 I’m freaking out do I just eat breakfast first...I wish I didn’t sleep.
Ok I just finished reviewing the food tests and found this 30page notes guide for bio paper 6 off of Reddit (I read this for trial exams lol) but I basically slept like 12 hours I didn’t NEED to. What if they ask theory oh my god.
Ok side note then immediately back to studying, I dreamt about joining this MUN abroad and it had three rounds and I made it through the super competitive first round (only one in my school to get through) and bro my improvised speeches were actually SO GOOD in my dream I can completely see how I got through (but also the others who got through were formally trained w super expensive coaches so frankly I was baffled like am I even on the same level as them with my IMPROVISED speeches?)
Then next round I was at a local primary school but my phone died and I couldn’t contact anyone not even my schoolmates to tell them where I was and finally I made it to the third round though I think I didn’t get to speak the third round (it was like a dream timeskip) and I got frustrated abt it but the results were out and I got 9th place which for an INTERNATIONAL event is ballistic, there were only 10 prizes and probably 10000+ contestants. Like IK that’s not how MUN works, anyhow, but I was really happy about it.
And as I was staying abroad right, I rented out this place for a few years apparently and was sharing it with my friends (schoolmates etc) and this crazy lazy (25+ yo) came knocking angrily and when I didn’t answer she could open my door (somehow she had the keys) and she yelled saying, “are you sure you’re living in the right room?!” I checked my card—room 154, I told her, yeah, it’s correct? And she started yelling about how I needed to show her evidence so I showed her my card, the official card and the keys and she was still really angry and she was like, “send me all the evidence! You better build your case or I’m going to evict you!” I was like girl we’re all 16 years old and below why are you beefing with children?? And she was like, “I don’t care! You’re stealing MY place! My friend is going to come over and she has the keys too, FYI.”
So I just stood there kinda scared cuz like we were abroad we didn’t have anywhere else to stay but I guess I just had to wait it out and I sent her every piece of evidence I could find (drawings of the room I made, official documents, pictures from the previous years I was there at the lobby/room etc) and then girl came back yelling and she was like oh you sent xyz? Here’s why it’s NOT true and that is still MY ROOM. And at last I was like, “if you insist that’s your room, sure, but we’re not fighting for the sake of it, we’re fighting for a place to live at so even if you want to claim it, let us stay” and she was like that’s not my problem!
SIDE NOTE: Am I really good at logical thinking? A lot of people at school say I don’t have common sense...
START Log - 10.19 a.m.
Tbh I think people say I lack common sense because they’re so desperate to zero in on something that makes me flawed. They go, “oh you’re book smart but you’re not SMART smart, street smarts are much better and more useful anyway.” But anyway I JUST FINISHED my bio paper 6 and I got SO LUCKY I DID SO GOOD!! I finished in 27 minutes with 33 minutes remaining and I saw Cheng Hei struggling I was internally thinking dude what the hell are u even struggling w here??
Ugh right now my mom is at it again. “You know today I have a stomachache ah and I still need to fetch you.” TBH I just didn't say anything and stayed in the car again for a while. Then I started getting the headache TM again so I got down and I basically was locked out of my own house lol no one was opening the door and I didn't have the keys. I thought, "if no one opens this door within thee next 10 minutes, I'm going back into the car" lol. I did enter eventually, of course, and I don't realy know, the headache got worse, I just. Honestly I feel so empty right now I walked into my room, I put on AirPods, I listened to Things I Want - Lenni Kim, I kicked around my football, I walked around for no reason, I started smiling in the mirror (it's getting so real honestly it's beginning to fool even me), and now I'm sat down writing this. I.
START Log - 11.52 a.m.
I keep oscillating between crying and not right now without a feeling. And so I won't make that the point here, point here is I figured out why listening to happy music when sad creates such a dissonance that makes my headaches worse. It's because every time I even think about listening to happy music, the default sequence is to act happy to be happy, the same reasoning for why I used o smile without reason, smiling to be happy rather than smiling because I'm happy, and that performance again, is exhausting. But I can't not perform happiness when I listen to happy music because then I'll eventually associate sadness with happy music and happy music won't make me happy anymore and I'll stay stuck in perpetual sadness with no emergency exit, which I admit is a little backwards because I'm preserving the association of happy music with happiness to exit sadness and so refuse to listen to that same happy music to exit sadness to preserve that association.
And on that note, I realised every time I speak about emotions I default to just the basics: happy, sad, angry, scared. It's not because I don't have the vocabulary really, it's more like, I'm already afraid that I'm exagerrating my experience, I can't exaggerate my emotions either. Otherwise, where's the integrity of the documentation? It's lost within clouded judgement and I can't have that. So, I guess, screw emotional granularity or the emotion wheel. It's all just narrating the same internal experience anyway.
I don't understand what's happening right now. I just want to be anywhere but here. Anywhere. Can I dream again? Can I just leave? Can someone kill me for me? Can I leave? Can I leave? Can I leave? Emotions come from thoughts and when there is no conscious thought, emotions come from unconscious thoughts. This is a very simple principle. This is a framework I can understand. So what am I thinking? Why is there no feeling? This is such a great day, I love today. Where is it? How can I access that joy? I know how. But would it be joy or just another performance? Is the performance worth going through just to access it? Is it worth it? Or do I stay. No feelings in exchance for stagnancy? You tell me to speak my mind concretely but how can I when all my thoughts are now questions? Find an answer find an answer.
At it again. 40 tablets in my room. Just stay still. I wanna be anywhere but here. Can I go to another room? Can I be still? Can I just leave? Who TF put the medicine back in my room? I'm so tired. Honestly the headache isn't bad, nothing can be as bad as the one on oct8, it's honestly mostly gone now.
I'll just. Study my bio anki deck and then do some past papers. Oh right. Fix that profile.
START Log - 1.08 p.m.
Fixed it. I feel pretty ok now and by that I mean I'm starting to feel again, so yay! Listening to Perfect - P!nk.