A NORMAL DAY.15.oct.25 cloudy

Dear Diary,

Wow it’s 6.26am now, and I legit fell asleep at 8.36pm yesterday. I wish I studied bio yst ughhhhhhh

START Log - 11.35 a.m.

It's 11.35 am right now, and honestly I'm in this limbic state of being restlessly anxious yet bored yet I wanna review math yet I wanna review bio and my math paper 4 (calc) is at 1p.m. and i need to be in school by 12.30p.m. but i feel like math is RIDICULOUSLY EASY I'm not even kidding it's so easy I can finish within 10 minutes and still get full marks...but what if I'm overestimating myself? What if?

START Log - 3.36 p.m.

I finished math calc paper!!! I finished it at around 3p.m. and it’s 3.36p.m. rn and I just ate lunch. As usual feeling kinda guilty abt it but I guess it’s fine for one day right?

Anyway, before the test, I was still stuck in that nervous for no reason state, so I just kept looking around aimlessly, looking at my notes for the hundredth time, asking people mindless questions ("what are you studying?" like...girl everyone can only be studying for one test and that is the test that will be underway in 30 minutes!!).

But then I saw WW arrive and she sat down next to Kayshef (I'm not even going to comment on their dynamic anymore. It's still a little weird to see like, COMPLETELY different seasons of my life collide, but I guess that's just how it is...), and she was panicking about not knowing a lot of math questions and she was asking him to teach her and so he did and it made me so frustrated (maybe it was just the agitation without reason from earlier lol), because 1. we only had 30 minutes left to the test, and 2. HE WAS TEACHING SO SLOWLY AND INEFFECTIVELY... He gave her the gradient formula for eqn of a straight line, which is fair, but what makes you think she can retain new material within 30min of the test while panicking?

So at first I made eye contact with her and it was awkward as usual (I have no idea what dynamic is going on between us right now??), and out of impulse I just said, "Can I teach you instead?" And she asked, "Are you a better teacher?" I said yes. She asked, "Much better?" I said yes. She switched seats with Kayshef and sat next to me.

I quickly went over the steps to find eqn of tangent:

After that she started complaining to Kayshef about how he "didn't even mention dy/dx!" and how he showed her "this alien equation!" (lol, her reaction here is honestly so fair, that was my first reaction too to that equation). I asked her if there was anything else she didn't know and she pointed to sketching an exponential graph. I asked her "do you know what this (constantx) was called?" and she said "no?? am I supposed to know?" Then I said, "It's an exponential, because "x" is an exponent here. You don't need to find an x-intercept because there is none. The y-intercept is always 1 unless there's a constant at the back, example if it's 3x+5, the y-intercept will be 6." Then I showed her the general shape of the exponental graph.

Then I also went over transformations (reflection, rotation, translation...), and how to find point between two points when given a ratio. I told her I didn't think it would come out in a calc paper because it was too easy. She looked at me like I was bragging (I was being serious...and I was right, it didn't come out in the exam.).

WELL. After the test, I asked Angela how it was and she said super 👍 (I wish I can recreate the way she said "super" here lol it was so satisfying). And a lot of people said the test was easy. I was surprised, because I actually thought this paper was slightly more complicated than the first, and also I was kind of disappointed in myself because I wanted to finish in 30 minutes out of the 2 hours (my baseline for math) but I took over an hour with about ~50 minutes remaining, which I know a lot of people will say is good, but it's not MY normal.

START Log - 7.34 p.m.

I’m actually so so angry at my mom. I have this diary that I write in that documents 3 years of my life, and she’s saying she threw it away. I know she moved it out of my room because I remember explicitly organising my shelves and putting all my diaries in chronological order and she took all my diaries away. I recovered most of them but she says she threw this one away. This one is special to me. I told her she must find it.

So she took some time to search and started yelling, “'IM SO EXHAUSTED! I’m so frustrated by you! Why must you torture me like this! Look I spent so long looking that I haven’t even showered! Look! I spent so long searching even my hand is bleeding because of you! Look! You make my life so miserable!” The I told her calmly, “Why are you complaining about a search when you were the one who moved MY belongings?”

And then she just kept complaining and I kept repeating that this search was something she brought onto herself and in the end she said, “You know what? I’m pretty sure YOU’RE the one who threw it away!” Dude. I would NEVER in my whole life throw away one of my precious notebooks. In fact, I hoard things. I’m just so mad right now I don’t know my head really hurts.

Honestly I’m surprised by how calmly I’m still speaking to her. She’s offering to buy that part of my life back. She says, “I’ll buy you ten more notebooks in exchange!” But it wasn’t just a notebook. I think out of all my diaries, it was one the most important. It documents my early suicidal thoughts from age 10, it has apology letters sent to me from elementary school, it has everything.

When I declined, she offered to give me 1000 in exchange. I told her 1 million (because I don’t want the money, I WANT MY DIARY BACK.) And she said, “But I don’t have that amount!” And I told her, “不管你给我多少钱都买不回那个时光。”

END Log - 3.07 a.m. (n.d.)

engaged restless happy angry
#uni