motorbike16.oct.25 
Dear Diary,
Okay so it’s 12.16am 16 oct rn…I slept from 8.30 to rn lol I woke up from a loud noise…I’m planning on studying chemistry paper 6 until 2am and then go to sleep for another 4 hours until 6. I can’t sleep anyway I’m too scared, and I can’t talk about it because thinking about it makes me even more scared.
I slept back at around 4am (I didn’t sleep late on purpose...I tried to sleep but was too scared like every time I closed my eyes they would open and I was on extremely high alert) and it’s 6.22am now. I just ate breakfast!
My chemistry p6 test is at 9 so I can’t really rest (I take one hour to get ready, have to be in school by 8.30am and commute takes 30min). The fear was from the school violence thing yeah, the scene kept replaying in my mind. I keep thinking what if somehow, I mean I KNOW this is completely irrational and unrelated but the school violence thing happened on 14oct when I wrote in my diary, “Can someone kill me for me?” What if I caused it somehow even though I’m not at all related to the incident?
START Log - 8.40 a.m.
It’s 8.40am I’m omw to school I NEED to be there before 9 pls pray for me omg.
START Log - 11.05 a.m.
It’s 11.05am I finished my exam about an hour ago and I ate a hashbrown (maybe I shouldn’t have but it looked so good and I haven’t had it in years) and I’ll talk about my exam later but right now my head really hurts (not as bad as oct8) and I can’t really breathe like I know I’m breathing I can feel air through my nose but it’s like my body isn’t registering it (like oct8). I don know if it’s psychosomatic because there was no emotional trigger at all, in fact I’m super happy today and I’m in the car right now the engine is on. I’m in the car cuz my mom is driving around for work and I'm following.
My head really hurts. While it’s still not as bad as the one on oct8 it’s like a 6.5/10 headache and I feel like well I don’t feel like I’m gonna pass out but I feel weak enough that I want to sleep. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I think she’s coming back. The seat is reclined n I got some shut eye and my mom is at the post office now (it’s 11.30am). I feel like I’m actually breathing again, the headache is still here but it’s manageable.
I wanna study, I must finish my bio anki deck today. I’m going to sleep early tonight tho.
Okay just to elaborate more on what happened right before/during exam. SO right before, I probably had about 10 minutes left to arrive at school so I ended up sitting on my dad's motorbike (holy shit that was so scary I seriously just shut my eyes the whole ride and started solving the bismuth oxide pure metal extraction problem in my head to calm myself down).
And I couldn't answer Teacher Shalini's calls (3 missed calls) obviously...I couldn't even open my eyes! I went in and saw her at the entrance and she told me to quickly go upstairs lol...And when I entered the registration room I was still kind of disoriented but I was happy for some reason maybe it was just adrenaline but I said out loud, "Is today chemistry?" and I heard someone say yes and I heard some people laughing at me but I didn't really care like I said, I was happy for some reason.
START Log - 8.40 p.m.
Hmmmm it’s 8.40pm rn and I’m just gonna start and finish my bio anki deck and then maybe do some past paper questions just to get a feel for it and then go to bed by 12am :) the headache got MUCH MUCH better after I entered my room and I spent the day procrastinating on bio anki yes but ALSO I added two more sections ("lateness", food) to my “life story” document and hmhmmmmm yep that’s it lol...Okay I am well aware that I said I would rest but didn't BUT.
START Log - 12.18 a.m. (n.d.)
Ok it’s now 12.18am I think I slept from 9 to around this time well I cleared about 20 anki cards just now gotta keep going lets go!!!