tool18.oct.25 
Dear Diary,
It’s 5.40. A.m. the next day. I think. Bro I don’t know how I got in bed I just suddenly woke up and realised I fell asleep I remember yesterday I was playing with my abacus last and I was sitting at my chair and I do remember leaning back on my chair but how TF did I get in bed?????
I don’t know man my dream last night was bezonkers like is that even a word?? I dreamt I was a guy again well nothing new there but then I dreamt I had a girlfriend and we were checking into this high rise because I told her to join my band and the highest floor had a band room but we checked into the second highest floor and I was paying for her and like asking her do you want the window open and she said yes and I opened the window for her and then she fell asleep and I told her I’ll meet the other bandmates first and then I went to the highest floor
But there was a fire or smth I think but anyway I switched dreams and the next was this building dream like we were building the rooms in the high rise in my previous dream and at first it was real life building then it switched to Minecraft building and in Minecraft building mode there was SO MANY MOBS (I don’t even play video games I haven’t touched Minecraft in AT LEAST a decade) and the mobs self-sabotaged and set the place on fire and I put water on all four corners to douse the place but it was too late, all the players were gone so I took the chance to seal the house and live alone for eternity lol...
Oh but after that I got a normal dream and it was this commentary on my two math teachers and I was asked to give a statement and I said, “well, you all dislike Teacher Steven because he’s “boring” but the reality is he doesn’t care about the tragedy of maths, only the beauty that comes out of it. The tragedy that happened in order to find this theorem? Beautiful. That’s what I love about that teaching style.” And then I gave a statement on the other teacher. “Teacher Lam is intimidated by the beauty of maths. Understandable. Everyone would be, it is simply too marvellous (I didn’t actually say that but I wish I did LOL), and so he creates unrelated jokes in hopes to cover up the true nature of maths. (Disapproving face LOL)"
Ugh I don’t want to respond to my teacher’s text again I don’t understand why this teacher is texting me wtf and also Niko sent me this weird tiktok video of lizzo dancing and playing the flute and he meant it as a funny meme but I can’t see the fun in it and I hate TikTok and I don’t want to fake a reaction and Nathan asked me how I’ve been doing I just want to shut it all out and not talk to anyone.
But the guilt at not talking to anyone is eating at me but I really don’t want to respond I want to study physics and I want to do some econs past papers and I want to just. Be.
START Log - 10.27 a.m.
Bro I think I just had another 2 hour shower again it’s 10.27am rn what was I even thinking about…well I remember thinking I was thinking and noticing I was falling back into the same thought pattern but the content??? Oh yeah I remember now there was also a sharp pain in my heart when I was showering like sharp pain lasting a few seconds then gone then back again then gone.
Oh my god remember that one night I was up super late and I was talking about how there’s a loud weird whiting sound from outside that sounded like a motor engine gone rogue but also sounds like rain or hail??? I found out today that it was a HURRICANE. IN MALAYSIA.
I’m so disturbed there are so many scary school violence cases and school children (my age group) outside of school violence cases and suicides in schools nearby and I’m just oh my god. I have cs class in about 40 minutes I still need to code my python project and revise cs I’m.
START Log - 3.42 p.m.
3.42pm rn just finished cs class! Turns out I didn’t need to do anything at all but I still reviewed sql and basic syntax before class and my new project is implementing functions onto a csv file!!! My tc said good luck for my exams and yeah left. Oh but something made me sad in class and that is when I was building a function that required a loop I wrote down my code and he said your logic here doesn’t flow well as in if you come back in 3 days you still won’t know what’s going on. And idk if he meant my logic for just that function or my logic generally my logic is good right :(
Remember the school violence thing that happened on oct14 when I wrote in my diary can someone kill me for me and i had magical thinking and felt like that made me responsible? I still can’t really process the event it makes me so sad I still want to cry. I don’t know the victim personally but she’s my age and the school is so nearby. It’s horrible the news says she was st@bbed 200 times I’m so sad for her. I want her to live. She looks so pretty and sweet and smart and she’s athletic too.
I feel like I shouldn’t even be affected by news like this like I feel like every other normal person would just read and feel some empathy or sadness then move on but it’s like every case is pushing towards wanting to change the world for the better more and more I need to be more capable I need to be able.
I just want to. Please tell me somehow it’s possible and that I can someday. I want so badly for this one thing and it’s for the world to be kind and people to be safe and happy universally. I don’t know I’m crying right now. Anything is possible right? Anything is possible there has to be some way somehow someday. I just want one thing in the world. Just one. Somehow someday please if I can’t eliminate all suffering I can at least reduce it significantly right? Somehow someday somehow someday some way.
I’m irrelevant. I’m just here to make the world better. I’m just here for the rest of the world I don’t deserve anything I just need to serve my purpose and leave. I don’t deserve to be treated as human. I just exist as a tool.
Ok I'm done crying now and wow wtf did I just write I'm actually cringing lol. My presentation contradicts the whole I don’t deserve to be treated as human thing because I demand so much I feel so much and I still feel angry at injustice and there are still things I love to do.