special scholarship app20.oct.25 
Dear Diary,
It’s 9.14am, I woke up at 8.36am and ate breakfast. Today is a public holiday tho and tomorrow (Tuesday) is my physics paper 6 and Wednesday is econs writing paper. My eyes are puffy from crying. I’m reading my practical notes for physics tho. To be honest I don't feel that empty anymore. I just feel so agitated about the scholarship app I’m finishing up the form and then I’m gonna scan the docs and oh my god.
Why? Why was I raised to be just performance? What did I do? Why did everything that had happened has to happen? Why am I the way I am? Why? What did I do? Why?
START Log - 4.55 p.m.
4.55pm rn I JUST HIT SUBMIT. And I just realised that I didn't put pics of me in my extracurriculars but it's ok I can add that to the drive later if they ask like how am I supposed to do that anyway? Dig photos of me playing futsal?? Anyway, this is what I submitted idk if it's ok or not and also I fought with my mom just now but more details later cuz I took like a 3 hr shower lol...
Okay so just now I was going to shower as usual but then I saw the shower head and I thought you know what, I can stop being scared of it being dirty if I clean it, and there was this filter thing in it that only my mom had supply of so I asked her to change it and she said she ran out so she came in to wash the filter but by god she left the water running and it was bouncing off everywhere and that CANT HAPPEN I was telling her to stop because it was wrong, to face the shower head somewhere else, turn off the water, don't go so close to the walls, stay in the center, don't put the shower head too close to the floor, lift it higher, because you can't do that, that's unclean, that's bad, you'll use the shower head later, you can't do that, you can't you can't, and then when I told her to move aside to a place further from the walls she was really slow and I was panicking so I pulled her by the sleeve to that spot and she started screaming and yelling then burst out crying and she said something like it hurts or something so I thought wait did I twist her arm?
I was asking her in concern like what's wrong and she just started crying and screaming at me and saying how I always hurt her and she lifted her sleeve and said, "see! look at what you always do to me!" but there was...nothing. I was actually confused. I said, "there's nothing? see what?" and she just kept telling me to see and then I said, "where got?" and then she just screamed louder which made me kind of mad and then she stormed out of the shower room and I was left there so I thought whatever she has fits like that all the time so I turned on the showerhead to shower and water was leaking from the sides because she didn't lock it properly and some part of me was angry and wanted to pick a fight so I chose that small thing and yelled, "you didn't lock it properly!"
So she came back and started screaming again about how I always mistreat her so I thought if you're going to give me that, then I'm actually going to mean because I'm petty like that sometimes and I told her to hurry up because my showers are already long enough and I want it to be as short as possible and not add on extra time to it so I told her to hurry and then she yelled louder and tried to slap me but I was disgusted again not because I was scared of the hit but because I was scared of the GERMS. ON HER HANDS. So I covered myself with one hand and pushed her away with another and ofc she yelled and cried and screamed more what can I say bro.
I was feeling really angry and petty but I didn't want to yell or cry more so I said things like, "What are you doing? Can't you hurry up? You can't do this easy thing? You said you could, so why can't you now? Hurry up" and I just kept telling her to hurry until she gave up and stormed out and I decided to just take my shower and I washed the shower head myself with a lot of soap and it felt like 10 minutes but maybe it was for an hour because it just didn't feel clean especially after my mom touched it and I just kept cleaning it until I felt satisfied with it and then I started showering and I was singing the whole time and holy shit I felt like crying and my head hurt so much maybe it was suppressed anger but I couldn't channel it out anyway so I sang and tell me why I always sing so well and generally make much better music when I'm angry?? Yeah I think that shower lasted 3 hours and I just didn't feel. LIke I felt like crying but that's bcause I wanted the pain in my head to go away but I couldn't anyway and there was no connected feeling." You know when she continued to yell it was like whiplash to me because WHAT DO YOU MEAN I was crying about the way you neglected me for the entirety of my childhood and raised me as a tool and the next day you’re saying I hurt you constantly? Like I KNOW I’m in the wrong too but the whiplash from that was indescribable.
START Log - 9.00 p.m.
Okay it’s 9pm now for the most part I’m ok…I’m going to go study physics paper 6 FOR REAL now and do some past papers (at least 2, prob will take 20min) and then econ anki at least (max 30min) and then sleep!