a strategy and a note21.oct.25 
Dear Diary,
It’s 7.56am, next day, physics at 12, I’m gonna go shower at 10. But wow. Last night I had a multi-year long dream and everything hurts and cramps probably from that run two days ago because I couldn’t feel pain so my endurance was higher than usual…What does being ok mentally even mean anymore I feel like I’ve lived another lifetime in that dream I don’t even want to recount it because that would be recounting years’ worth. I’m eating breakfast but everything hurts I just don’t want to move I don’t want to do anything at all.
START Log - 10.53 a.m.
55min shower just finished!! Not bad :D 10.53rn!
I’m feeling this bout of extreme emptiness and my test is in 20 minutes possibly earlier I need help. I really need help. I can't feel a thing. I can't. Everything is so blank. I don't feel like I can move. I'm too tired to think at all. At all. I love physics. Why is that joy gone. Why are all feelings gone. Code. Encoding. I just need to use my emergency exit I just need to pretend for one more test. I love this. Everything is possible. I can do this. This is great. I'm so happy. I'm happy. I can do this.
UPDATE: I MADE ITTTT but there was one question I’m unsure about, the question was plan an investigation with chosen investigated variable to see if how it changes the height like cuz it’s a curvy track the ball goes down then it goes up and it was a flexible track so I put IV as angle of deflection of track and idk if it’s correct I said measure w metre ruler and that the DV was length of height.
Honestly I just played those two songs on repeat in my head (Nerd School/Microbots. I knew it would work because I deliberately ALWAYS listen to either one every time I study, especially for physics and add math + the repeated pulsing sound is so. well idk how to describe it, but it makes me feel very alive again.) when the invigilator was reading the general exam instructions out of sheer willpower (usually the songs would make me feel really energised and motivated, but in this case I was actually extremely empty beforehand, so they made me ok enough to perform well rather than actually reviving my brain), and also before I sat down I forced myself to smile like a real smile-ish? Smiling to be happy, or at least some release of dopamine for performance. Ofc both these strategies worked, but I would still prefer not to use them often.
START Log - 2.11 p.m.
I don’t have the energy to eat. I’m not eating lunch. It’s 2.11pm rn btw exam just ended like I said. My mom is so annoying someone shut her up my head hurts.
I just can’t feel a thing. It’s so strange really. I think my head hurts there’s just this pressure but is it pain? Why aren’t I bothered? I smile but it’s sly, it’s another performance to myself, I'm mocking my own self. I look in the mirror and I laugh but it’s just myself again. Into the exam hall, I couldn’t feel a thing before the exam. I love physics so much but I couldn’t feel that love. It’s like I can’t even think because I don’t have the energy to right now and that’s akin to not breathing. Thoughts are like air. I can’t breathe. Do you really expect me to give a good happy performance still? Fuck you. Let me stay wherever. I can’t die in the car anyway. That’s what I thought earlier.
I’m in my room now. It’s a strange feeling to have no feelings. It’s honestly great I don’t even have to lead I’m just following wherever I take me. take me. I didn’t eat. The thought of even opening my mouth is so tiring. The thought of anything is so tiring. Thoughts are so tiring, breathing is so tiring. But I’m not tired. I just feel dead. I’m so cynical when I’m like this. Hate the world, hate the self. Well, not hate. That’s too big of a feeling. But indifference. I’m indifferent to everything right now. I’m just a channel I’m just a tool I’m discardable I’m expendable. When I’m out of use I die. That’s all. 4.13pm.
Note. I thought this a long time ago. I drew this some time ago this year. This pretty girl who’s sly and provocative. This drawing of her on my wall. The note behind it. I hope someone finds it when I go. What am I doing? This is amusing. Just added a line. A bye. Goodbye.
What am I doing? I won’t die. So what did I write? That’s a precaution right? Just a precaution. For later on. For later on. 4.30pm.
I am fine :) :) That’s so funny. What am I smiling about.
That’s a silly thought. I’m not allowed to die yet anyway. Maybe I should eat. I imagine just staring at my food and not eating. Would that be a waste. What a waste. 4.40pm.
Oh right I remember what I thought this morning. Other than the looking in the mirror thing to remind myself I exist behind my thoughts I realised I usually default to asking myself really basic questions like what’s your name or what’s your favourite colour. Especially the colour question. What’s your favourite colour. Pink. What’s your favourite colour. Pink. And ask. And repeat. And again. 4.58pm.
5.05pm rn. Still empty but I feel more conscious than I was before. I genuinely felt like I was just moving on autopilot just now.
5.10pm. I’m fine.
5.39pm. I’m eating now.
7.37pm. Ok I actually kind of don’t know how I got to that point, but I got to a point where I started listening to podcasts particularly this one about - and then I found myself strangely passively engaged in it even though I was too tired to think it was sort of rejuvenating my ability to think again, in fact, so I decided to apply this to my test tomorrow and started listening to this economics podcast on how China was an engineer-centred economy and I found myself really engaged with it and I even started multitasking by reading my econs notes passively while listening and the challenge on keeping focus for both sides made me engaged and actually made me feel somewhat alive again like I know multitasking is inefficient and blablabla but it was precisely because it was challenging, but the right kind of challenge, that it helped.
OKAY UPDATE!! It’s 10.06pm rn and I’m studying econs currently! Gonna finish up that anki deck then attempt some past paper questions! Gonna sleep by 12am oki bye bye :)