acryllics, can't sleep05.nov.25 
Dear Diary,
I don’t know why, I couldn’t sleep for about two days and I eventually slept at 4am today (before 4am, I painted the polymer clay figurine with acryllic paint and varnished it + deepened one of my book's (cnl) plot and relational dynamics and backgrounds) and woke up 1pm, but I slept again from 2-5.30pm and I just kept waking up in the middle afraid thinking it was 10pm already or the next day already and eventually I decided to take a shower but in there I saw well not saw but I don’t know how to describe it, everything was numbers to me, and actions were equations, it’s just like that day a few months ago where I woke up and didn’t know how I got to the couch and felt like I needed to solve a derivative equation and find the unknowns to stand up and I couldn’t find it so I couldn’t stand up.
It was almost the same as that standing up incident, where at first for a long time I really just listened and perceived everything genuinely as numbers and equations before eventually realising the absurdity gradually and moving out of that perception. Also, afterwards I had a theory that maybe this happens after I'm creatively depleted so my brain defaults to mathematical logical thinking.
Ok I genuinely just CAN'T sleep some nights it’s either I get in bed and I keep opening my eyes in the middle because I get scared for some reason or I can’t turn off my brain because it’s just so active and I can’t stop engaging with thoughts and I do know how to just let them pass but I also feel the need to control them so they’re positive as I’m going into a hypnagogic state because the subconscious would be more receptive to those thoughts so I feel the need to constantly repay positive affirmations and usually if that happens I just get back up and do math but I’ve been trying to not do that because it means I’m not trying hard enough to sleep and I need to try and I need to sleep especially during exam season because the only reason why I would willingly sleep early anyway is because there’s an exam the next day.
Also, another reflection I've been meaning to write for a while now:
I know most likely what I’m physically feeling isn’t actually the region in which the brain is active for each process, but I’ve noticed this for a while now and it’s that whenever I do different types of activities, TYPES, I feel different regions of my brain working. Like for example if I’m in a nothing state it’s like “below the line” as I said which is a bit inaccurate because what I was trying to articulate with below the line was that it feels like not being on my brain at all, like I’m sunken somewhere and can’t rise to meet my own mind in that nothing state, and while the nothing + autopilot happens, it’s out of my brain just like the nothing state, but with active like, blinks. Like if I see something in front of my something lights up in my brain but I’m not IN my brain so every part of me just complies and does whatever immediately.
Like when I do physics or add math, the moment I see complex math equations or numbers or physics diagrams or concepts and electrical circuitry or anything related my brain completely lights up (I’m in my brain here) and I immediately get this reflex to smile really wide and get really happy and it’s like this WHOOSH. In. And then I get so in flow (? Is that the word?) with the physics/add math task and it feels like cogwheels turning and ticking clocks and it feels like my brain becomes MACHINERY it feels AMAZING and my hand just flows, the numbers just flow, the words just flow, everything is in perfect comprehension and rhythm, it (brain) uses power and electrical input, so it feels like I’m doing work on my brain if that makes sense. For biology where it’s just a memorisation heavy subject information just flows to me. I let my brain relax and it feels like information is literally flowing towards where I can reach it. It immediately comes, no work needs to be done, it FLOWS. For chemistry it’s a mix of machinery and flow. These are just some examples idk.