physics mcq prep06.nov.25 
Dear Diary,
START Log - 7.57 p.m.
I finished my physics igcse mcq today I feel quite disappointed I don’t know what happened after I got home idk how I even ended up sleeping in bed I swear I was sleeping in the car and then I got down and just walked up the stairs like a zombie and I think I just flopped onto the bed after that idk but I feel like I was doing something first well the timeline is I didn’t sleep at all cuz I was too excited for physics.
I have two more exams left, idk how I feel about man my head kind of hurts, I woke up (7.57pm now) now knowing if it was pm or am I wanted it to be morning already I’m so sad about that physics mcq paper…if smth double insulated earth wire is no needed right?
START Log - 2.10 a.m. (n.d.)
I finished a bit of that 1000 piece puzzle I bought, one out of six parts. I already finished another part a few months ago so I’m done with two parts total. I don’t understand anymore. I was crying just now for who knows what again. It’s probably my fault and I just need sleep. I wanted to write in my diary to document today too because something really nice happened and I wanted to remember it but I was so tired that I just shut off my laptop and couldn’t continue. Oh yeah I found out yesterday that collanote is making unlimited notes paid now so I’m switching to onenote which is a bit inconvenient, the interface is so unnecessarily cluttered.
Anyway at school like I said had my physics mcq, and I just waited for around an hour because we had to stay back for this singing rehearsal thing for a grad performance (did I ever mention I hate singing in groups? Especially with people who DON’T want to sing and will mock me for doing what I’m supposed to do, and sing?) . But yeah I was in the registration room, everyone (mostly) all went downstairs to th canteen to chat together and these two girls were in the registration room w me too and they were learning TikTok dances and commenting on trending vs not music and ai beauty filters. I didn’t really care. The songs sounded nice. Their singing voices were nice too. I tried to sleep while sitting but couldn’t so I eventually left that room and went downstairs.
I didn’t know where I was going, I just didn’t want to be anywhere anymore. I found an empty bench, that place where I used to sit alone during lunch to sing and I started singing there. I think I sang for about 30 minutes. I realised when I sat down and started singing that I really am kind of wired to believe any timely laughter is directed at me because of how many times it was before, so when I heard someone laughing just when I started, I stopped and waited for it to go away. I walked around aimlessly after that. Downstairs, upstairs, in the halls.
At some point I started watching this classroom full of younger students taking their final term tests. It was a math paper. Then the time to sing in a group came and I went up to the music room, which by the way is extremely small, with only a single AC unit (that isn’t even that cool), and there were a LOT of people. It was so hot. I just wanted to go home. Maybe I wanted to sleep. I wanted to have my laptop, maybe code, maybe watch some lectures, get my headphones, learn something, do something. But I didn’t have any of that and I had to get into that cramped room with everyone else and Tc ife put me in the lyrics group. I learnt the song on the spot (it’s so repetitive and boring and sounds really sad and dead for a happy song but maybe I was the one who was sad and dead.). In the first run I wanted to test the key so I started singing the tonic note D and then verse 2, with the lyrics of something like, “no limits, just epiphanies” or something, I sang it out loud and I don’t realise how loud my singing voice was. Or maybe it was normal and everyone just wasn’t singing.
After I sang that verse out loud YW looked at me and then whispered something to emilia and laughed. 🤷♀️I was too tired to care. Then we went outside for formation, then we went back inside with the same formation and Sara handed me a mic and told me to use it but I told her I was already loud so I told her to hold it for everyone else. And that there’s that person who kept walking past me even though the walkway is too narrow and so ugh. Ugh I can’t wait to get away from him. I’m so lucky he doesn’t take my favourite subjects. I wish I didn’t have to be involved with anything to do with him at all. I just can’t UGH. I can’t even say his name, that’s how repulsive the thought of him is to me (guy from when I was age 12-13, but we’re still in the same SCHOOL.). Anyway wow I bolted out of that room when he got close I just needed to RUN. I actually did run down the stairs I think Kayshef and WW were confused behind me? Idrk.
I went downstairs and sat on the same bench again to wait for my mom to come and pick me up and then two little girls came and sat down on the row of seats next to the bench and then they looked at me so I looked at them and I said hi then I asked for their names and they said they heard me singing and they were like, “I saw you holding your phones and singing :))” and HEJDBSKENDJ then I asked for their ages and one of them said 6 the other said 7, one of them held up the flag next to the seat and waved it around (it was really big so I told her to b careful lol cuz she almost hit her friend) but I could tell she was going to get bored of it soon and put it down and she did. Her friend left suddenly and then she was talking to me and said, “this (the flag) is so tall!” And I laughed and said, “yeah, it’s you times two!” And then she was like huh then I remembered a 6 year old probably hasn’t learnt multiplication yet so I pointed and said, “this is one of you, plus another one of you!” Hahaha. Then she went to get her friend and was like, “let’s get Carlos!”
And then they ran back inside and came back with two other girls around their age and they sat on the row of seats and then another girl. Two of them were Japanese and I tried to ask for their names but they couldn’t understand and I didn’t know that TT. I was like, “you all never teach them?? (JOKE)” And then they were saying, “teacher teach them!” And then the other girl was like, “we got teach them too!” Lol. Bro it was just this band of little kids it was so cute they asked me when I was leaving and I said maybe in 30 minutes but I ended up leaving earlier and and I said bye bye to all of them and they said see you next week! To which…I didn’t know how to respond to lol. Oh yeah they also asked me when I was graduating and I knew it was in 24 days but I wanted to show some realism so I was pretending to think and count and then stopped halfway and laughed and said, “actually, I don’t know”.
At some point the 7 year old girl said something about 6 7 and was laughing because I was commenting on how their ages were in order (6, 7, 8, 9...) and I thought she was laughing because "7 8 9" aka 7 ate 9 idk maybe that's an old joke but then she was like, "67? brainrot character you know?" ?? No I don't know lol. Also when I ran down the stairs I saw Teacher Shalini in the hallway too and I was so happy to see her I really like this teacher (physics teacher) and the she asked me how was the paper and I said easy and I was smiling and then I was like "waaait but they asked in a really weird way". And then yeah that was that, then I came home I think I slept in the car and then I do remember that zombie walk up the stairs but I don’t really recall anything about getting in bed and sleeping or whatever.
It’s 2.10am now actually, not 7.57pm anymore. And I was too tired to eat too. I forfeited my lunch until afterwards when I woke up at 7.57pm and I feel like I’ve been eating too much lately I really feel guilty about it. I don’t even WANT to eat, and I’m not even hungry 99% of the time it really feels like all those times I reach for food just to fill a void I need to stop eating until at least my graduation I can’t eat anymore.
I really felt like I was eating too much though…like in the past week there was one day where I ate two chocolate bars and another day where I ate a chocolate bar and another day where I ate break and biscuits and chocolate (PLUS breakfast and dinner, no lunch).
START Log - 1.35 a.m. (n.d.)
I don't really understand what happened. Well, if I had to say something happened, I would say something happened. but if asked if anything happened, I would say nothing happened. So, what happened? It's like I was ecstatic one moment and I honestly don't know how it changed. You know, I feel like my writing has gotten more restrained, especially in my diaries. For a time, it was different here, I could speak my mind more freely without the fear of the permanence of ink, but by this point, I feel like I can't really anymore. So right now I'll try. No one will read this. Or if someone does, I won't know them in real life and they won't know me.
There's this playlist that I have where the songs are specifically made to make me feel happy about myself, and I was at my boxing machine again, because why not, I was listening to the playlist, it was fun, I don't really want to write anymore. But I want to write because I want to remember. But I feel nothing. Like a shell of who I just was. I. Don't. Want to be here. I want to get out, I remember that's one of the things I thought earlier. Get out of where? Not this room. Not even this world. Just out. Out of myself. That's what I thought. But I wonder why I thought that. I don't know how I got to that point. I was so happy. I wanted to go straight back into doing Physics MCQ past papers right after a quick workout but.
I guess I can retrace what happened tangibly. The last thing that happened before I came back here/started writing this was I was on my bed and I. Well, I could move, obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be here right now, but I don't know why it felt like I couldn't. It feels like all those other times where I mentally rehearse gettign up repeatedly but just don't physically comply. I think I was crying too? OK I was definitely crying but for what? Then before that I honestly am not sure if there was anything else between, but last thing before crying that I remember was wait no I remember something before that. It's honestly so strange to me how my memory of this is so, in parts? Given that it JUST happened less than a minute ago. OK maybe it was more than that, I didn't check the time, I only know the time I sat down here and started writing this.
Anyway, I felt suffocated. Not felt, I think I really was suffocating myself. That sounds a bit dramatic let me tone down a bit. Basically I felt like I couldn't move right? I was just still, but my hand was on my neck and there was this feeling of it closing. And the next few, minutes? I don't know for how long, I just know that suddenly I realised it was happening and about the consequences on the brain due to a lack of oxygen so that propelled movement.
OK so what I wanted to say was before that, I think at that point I was still happy-ish? No, I was definitely happy. But it was strange because I remember the song that played was Fly by Avril Lavigne, then High Hopes by Panic at the Disco and I kind of nodded along to the beat and then it just became very visceral and I couldn't tell if I was trying to shake a thought or feeling completely unrelated off or genuinely enjoying the music. It was strange because I genuinely was very happy here, but I had this impulse to take an antibiotic. I DON'T WANT TO WRITE THIS ENTRY ANYMORE. ok.
Anyway I later saw myself (mentally...just for clarification) taking another one and another and eventually the entire thing which is STRANGE, like I said, because I was HAPPY. I think at that point I told myself to stop moving in case I accidentally did act on the impulse. Then that whole crying thing. I think the whole thing was 40 minutes, based on the time I sat down to write this because again, I don't actually know. It felt like oct11, almost. Like if I didn't stay still I would actually act, but I think I could actually choose to stay still this time was because I knew (though I wasn't thinking this in the moment, I don't think I was really thinking at all, I was in that huh? kind of place, so this is just a guess) that the dosage was way less lethal compared to on oct11 when it was around 6000mg. Wait also I really while I was happy I actually thought things like, "life is so unserious." with a positive connotation.
I just realised at the start of this entry I said I felt empty but now I feel very alive, actually, so I guess I can call that gradual. I'm gonna do maybe two more MCQ papers and then sleep :) I'm so excited for physics tomorrow I love physics.