cynical08.nov.25 
Dear Diary,
START Log - 8.57 a.m. (n.d.)
About the actual content the title is alluding to now lol. Yeah it started with the how are you/your weak/feeling question and I just said ok. He asked if it was good ok or a bad ok (simplification of what he said bc what he said was cringe. Wow I’m being so judgmental right now). I said just ok or something whatever the conclusion was that it was neutral. The he asked if there was anything new this week and I said no and he revisited last week’s downward arrow questioning thing and he asked if I remembered again and this time I said, “I remember everything.” Then he asked what function the back and forth thinking served again and I said that was the first question he asked last week and then he said, “to consider other perspectives?” And I said yes and then he was saying how people don’t usually think a thought and doubt their thought and then try to tear it down and I said isn’t it very common? (Literally that’s just called having a brain and using it. Not that rare.) and he asked if I’ve seen anyone think like that and I immediately through of the debate club members and said yes but then backtracked and remembered that they only think critically about their opponent’s perspectives, not really their own boohoo. Bro I don’t know why I’m so cynical right now I apologise to future me who’s reading this in advance you know I’m not like this usually.
Anyway he said he’s seen in in people who are not so confident in themselves or whatever who constantly doubt themselves and honestly by that point I knew he didn’t get what I meant by evaluating different perspectives and what I mean by that’s just HOW MY BRAIN WORKS. Which is what I said by the way, I said, “that’s just how I think.” And then he asked if I liked this way of thinking and I said yes and he asked why and I said because it can surprise me, I can think things I didn’t expect to think and if it’s good insight I will apply it. And then he said, “so in a way it helps you to grow?” And I said yeah and then he asked if I could think of the drawbacks or whatever word he used and I said indecisiveness and slowed action?? Then he was saying how I think that way because it must have been an adaptation to something and then he was talking about me thinking that way to make sure I’m correct/reliable and therefore can trust myself and he asked again what would happen if I couldn’t trust myself and I said I wouldn’t be able to do anything at all (reminded me of what Nathan said about not being able to trust himself because, “what if I get drunk and kill myself?” I still can’t believe we were ten lol. That was his rebuttal to me saying I trust no one but myself.), and he was asking, “yea but how you’ll your life look like?” And I said, “I would have no life, because you can’t do anything if you don’t trust yourself, including,” and he asked for clarification or whatever oh so not even eating and I said yes (this specifically reminded me of Nathan. I thought of what he might’ve said. Maybe he would’ve said, “what if I accidentally poisoned the food I cooked or am eating from a mercury spoon??”) maybe he asked smth like why would you need to trust yourself to do anything and the I said there needs to be a degree of trust in yourself to do anything and then he asked so what if you’re wrong? And I was kind of baffled by this question. I said, “I try again?” Like literally what kind of question is that. And then he asked if there were any things I do that I don’t trust myself to but still do and I said yes a lot of things. And he was like huh isn’t that very contradicting. Then I said “I don’t trust myself to be able to do those things but I trust that I am able to get better at it so there’s still some degree of trust in myself.” And then maybe he asked what if you don’t trust that you can? And I said, “I will still tell myself I can.”
Then this was the part where he asked if I still can’t say negative things (probably from the fact that I said even if I don’t believe in myself I will still say I can) which is a very broad generalisation but ok I said yes it was only for specific things and then basically that entire list he condensed it into contamination fears and negative-positive by asking, “are you still bothered by it?” what kind of silly question is that honestly. I’m not even trying to be rude. Maybe I’m cynical because I’m tired. But in what world will I not be bothered by it anymore? When the world stops existing and some too. When I don’t exist anymore. What th fuck am I saying. Anyway I said yes and the he asked if I wanted to get rid of it or something I said I wanted to get rid of it but the thought of it gone is worse. Then right after that psych asked what I did this week and I said, “a lot of things.” And he said, “like what? and I said, “why are you changing topics so suddenly?” And he said, “to gauge how you’re doing…” (smth like that) And I said, “everything that I did sounds like I am more fine than I am” and then there was this emotional check in thing which I didn’t respond to and instead just said the things I did would make me seem more fine than I was
The part that keeps repeating is the last part where psych was like “I feel like I’m directing the sessions too much and I don’t think that’s helpful to you” or something like that. I don’t care to remember such useless things verbatim today. And then he went on this roundabout way of saying I need to cooperate. Sounds like at first he wanted to say collaborate but later said “配合”. There was also something said about me not sharing things out of my own agency, only answering questions. I think he said, “most of the time, you don’t bring up what to discuss…” or smth like that, and I agreed. I said sometimes I do come in with something to share but will only share it if the questions he asks coincides with my answers, and then he told me to come in with something to discuss next week, an “agenda” (that word in particular is making me overthink what to share because thinking about “what to share” and having an “agenda for the day” are two very different things). I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired. Right here asked why I think I don’t bring things up directly he asked, “are you worried it won’t be taken seriously?” I said no. “Are you worried I’ll judge you?” No. It’s true. Neither of those fit. I said, “I think it’s because I don’t like to talk about myself.”