cramps10.nov.25 
Dear Diary,
START Log - 3.21 a.m..
It’s 3.21am 10nov I’m currently IN PAIN right now period cramps hurt so bad no seriously I was showering and halfway it felt like being stabbed and I literally thought, “I’m losing consciousness.” And that overrid everything else, the hours long daydreaming, the need to repeatedly wash my face, I just quickly brushed my teeth and washed my face and bolted out of there and then I was in bed maybe I slept maybe I passed out who knows but I slept from around 8pm which was when I finished that shower until now and the last meal I ate was 9nov 11am.
That level of pain for cramps is honestly normal for me lmao so I don’t think it’s a deeper issue but bro I wanted to miss this period so bad I missed my period last time this year during trial season from stress and yeah my mood was so low all the time but at least no pain AND I HAVE AN EXAM TODAY HELP.
Ugh it’s bio mcq at 8am I didn’t even study last night well I keep getting full marks for bio mcq anyway so I’m fine with that but I have so little time to get ready I’m just so tired. Literally everything hurts I know I’m going to look back at this moment and think wow I was so dramatic but my head hurts everything hurts I don’t feel like sleeping anymore I already slept enough just now anyway right. My room is a mess I really want to clean it it’s making me so stressed.
I’m tired. Well I’m not physically tired anymore but. I’m gonna eat now ig.
Ugh my mom cooked pan mee I know I’m being ungrateful but I don’t want to eat a meal I can’t eat too much I can’t eat at all I can’t eat this and it’s too hot I don’t want to eat I can’t eat. I ate a few bites. It feels so tasteless and bland I don’t want to eat. I’m going to do some past papers. I already know all the material by heart. And honestly psych is right it’s my fault there’s no progress it’s my fault I don’t want change I need to be responsible for myself.
It's around 10a.m. now :) I finished my exam it was ridiculously easy I just didn’t know one question which was the placement of xylem vs phloem in a cross section of a leaf I just chose the one closer to the bottom of the leaf cuz xylem is inner right? Oh yeah I also collected my igcse cert (for m/j series) from the office and the school founder was bugging me about how I'm getting all A* right! (made me happy) and also she asked how was the exam or something and I said today's one was really easy and she was like of course everything is easy for you and she was asking me about what I wanted to study after or where I wanted to study by that point I just put a finger to my mouth in this joking "it's a secret gesture" as an excuse to leave. Anyway I’m really :/ I don’t know man I’m kind of annoyed, my mom bought a whole new batch of roxithromycin for me to take for another month it looks like 10,500mg total at least. 🙄 she says it’s for “acne” but I don’t even have acne and who says it’s bacterial? That damn derm hasn’t seen me in years she wouldn’t know shit. I have my last exam in two days aka chem mcq im now trying to stick on this protective film for my laptop I feel so dejected. Ykw maybe I actually won’t die from that dosage. So it’s fine right? I don’t know, I don’t want to evaluate myself like I’m some volatile case study.
I don’t know I’m kind of stressed I feel like the autopilot states only existed in the first place BECAUSE there were means accessible and aftr I finished this month’s prescribed course I was kind of relieved cuz wow it probably won’t happen again and even if it did I won’t KILL MYSELF and then my mom goes out to get more of the thing I was waiting to be rid of are you fucking joking. I don’t care anymore. I really don’t anymore I don’t want to think about this anymore.
START Log - 9.13 p.m.
I couldn't put on the laptop film. I told my mom to help then when she couldn't do it either she blamed it on me for starting ("If you hadn't peeled off this part of this layer I would've been able to..."). She ended up throwing it cuz I told her to cuz it was unusable by that point. It's 9.13pm now. Honestly the last thing I ate was strawberries at around 5-6am and that bowl of bland pan mee around 3am. I don't know why I feel so gone. I can't even explain myself to myself anymore, I'm just gone. I can't even bring myself to do the things I like. Well I just watched a yale lecture (2nd one) on game theory and the argument of common knowledge by putting yourself in other people's shoes etc. . You know it was around maybe 12pm right? I sang a bit then slept from that time until now then watched the yale lec. I'm kind of relieved. Maybe I should sleep again until the next morning so I can go 24 hours without eating. Oh yeah I also found this LEGENDARY performance just now. Been replaying it for a long time now.