gone11.nov.25 
Dear Diary,
START Log - 5.49 a.m.
5.49am now. :) 🤷‍♀️ I just woke up, didn’t eat, so it's been about 26 hours? So I’m happy abt that. My brain can break down the glycogen in my body idrc. I’m gonna revise chem for today maybe do some past mcq papers. Then maybe I’ll eat something idk. I want to give up on myself. I’m just going to move forward I don’t care about my mental emotional state anymore I’m just going to exist who cares if I’m empty or just a channel I’ll just let it exist as is and complete what I want and then leave it was always that simple this whole getting help and helping myself thing has been overcomplicating myself for too long. I’m not reaching out. I’m so sick of it.
START Log - 6.42 a.m.
I ate breakfast. My mom gave me this bow of oat + strawberries and a sandwich and sausages. She got mad when I told her I didn’t want to eat it all (it’s too much). I get that she took the time to make it but still doesn’t change the fact that I can’t finish it all :/ In the end I only ate the sandwich and sausages(2) and strawberries without the oat. Honestly. Since I ate breakfast jn I’m gonna not eat the rest of the day and do this for the next month maybe run on my treadmill later too.
I honestly want to do so many things. I want to do past mcq papers for chemistry, review chem anki, continue learning gamedev with unity, start planning logistics for a math workshop like where and when and materials and the actual curriculum, learn more, continue the mit undergrad courses I started, but I can’t bring myself to do ANY of it. It’s like I’m too tired to think even though I really want to. I can’t even bring myself to do non cognitive heavy things like puzzling or art I’m so done.
That whole "I just need rest" argument can't even stand anymore because I’ve rested for SO LONG. I basically slept for a whole day. After my bio mcq yesterday I came home and slept from around 2pm-7/8pm and slept again from 9/10pm to this morning 5.49am.
I’m going to feel guilty abt it if I eat later so I won’t. And I showered from around 9am-10.40-isham.
START Log - 2.32 p.m.
I finished about 2 more unity lectures. The left side of my head really hurts for some reason. I know it’s not a cluster headache that’s behind my eye or anything and it’s definitely not a sinus headache it’s just one sided and it’s not the entire left side of my head either it’s at a very specific place.
Help Herlp No No Ok Loud Nohelphelp Nohelphelpcsntreadno
START Log - 5.45 p.m.
I’m scared I don’t know what happened just now I couldn’t move then I moved then I was thinking then I wasn’t then I was here then I wasn’t then I I’m scared the scissors are still out itook it out then I saw my teddy bear staring I’m scared then I stood up and turned on th lights and now I’m in bed it’s still out did I no I didn’t cut myself
START Log - 9.54 p.m.
So it’s 9.54pm now and I fell asleep (maybe around 4 hours? I’m not sure when I fell asleep) but how did I even? And why? I basically slept around 15 hours last night I should be awake and energised by today but the whole day I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything much. It felt too taxing to think and I could bring myself to just watch a few unity lectures and face my fear and download unity on my new laptop (yay) but the left side of my head still hurts. It’s not even very painful, it’s just sharp and persistent around my temples. I think just now I was kind of snapped out of moving by this sharp fear as in it wasn’t perpetual but it was sharply painful one moment and in that moment i immediately stood up and turned on all the lights and got in bed and hugged one of my teddy bears and I know that’s how I got in bed but not sure how I slept and I remember I was too scared to put the scissors away but I couldn’t get up anyway it felt like I couldn’t really move either I was just still in my chair I don’t know for how long and I couldn’t type to myself either it’s as if I were a machine with rusted parts. Movement was rusty. But I think when I was here I also sent myself two messages, which is kind of weird it wasn’t even my intention to say those things or send myself ANY message at that I don’t know how this happened.
I don’t know why does my head still hurts I remember the fear came from feeling like my teddy bear was watching me I think I was unzipping the pencil case that had the scissors inside I felt watched which caused this sharp fear and that string of events after. I’m so mad at myself I wanted to do chem mcq papers I thought maybe I was too tired to think because I didn’t have enough food so I ate at around 2.30pm (full meal) and I also got a drink (chocolate chip frappe) but I just felt so out of it and I don’t get it I slept enough and I WANT TO THINK.
I'm just going to do some chem mcq papers then sleep...