pain and scholarship results12.nov.25 
Dear Diary,
START Log - 5.49 a.m.
10.48 am 12nov rn exam finished I was very happy just now exam easy talked to some people discussed paper a bit left school but now my heart really hurts. The left side has this sharp pain that’s coming and going and the left side of my head too the same part as yesterday. I just want to sleep maybe it’ll go away. My left arm and leg are starting to hurt now too. I’m smiling regularly just to make sure it isn’t a stroke I’m fine.
I really have no choice but to endure this. But it’s moving pain (sometimes my right side hurts instead of left) so it’s definitely less serious. 11.15am rhht now.
I want to continue playing piano. But I’m afraid to. I’m abrsm grade 8 and I’ve taught lower grades but I haven’t played in months. And theory. And fuck I need to continue classesson it hurts. Sorry. I just need to brush up a bit maybe I’ll bring up my theory work to my room and freshen that up and then work on practical whenever I have the time to go downstairs or when my family isn’t around. I'm not your circus monkey.
Honestly I think it's fear I’ve lost my skill and also it’s annoying to play music when everyone around makes noise and disrespects the music itself. I feel insulted for it. I want to do it all I love it all but it hurts so much well not as much as oct8 of course but I just can’t righth now I’m not really tired I’m just gone but not entirely gone I’m still here I don’t make sense do I? I’m still in the car otw home so maybe I’ll see how I am once I get home I don’t want to do anything I love half heartedly.
I can do things I think I just can’t really engage with what I do in this state so it would be quite useless to do anything cognitive now like if I watch a lecture now I won’t be able to gain that knowledge and apply it properly I’ll need to rewatch it later anyway.
START Log - 11.47 a.m.
I’m in the car but arrived home (11.47am). I got the email for my special scholarship results (applied using trial results and extracurriculars) and I only got 15000 :/ I feel kinda sad now. The worst part is for the actual entrance scholarship (for real results) 15000 is the second highest quantum, with the highest being a full scholarship, so I literally can't upgrade anymore.
But I don’t know I’m so stressed why is college so expensive with my scholarship quantum but yeah with my quantum it deducts 7000 off the first semester and 8000 off the second and none in the third for 18 month a levels so I assume it would be a in total 3 semester program and idk I’ll prob take 18 months and not 21 months right that will save about 10000 right I don’t even know and there are jan march and July intakes but the real cert comes out around March but I don’t know do oct nov Igcse candidates really go for the jan intake?? Do I go for it too?? Or I?? I don’t know man I feel so stressed and if I go March I can’t take cs I’ll need to take it as an extra subject (I’ll need to take it as an extra subject anyway since I’m planning on taking 5…I really want to go for 5 since it’s recommended by one of my teachers and also a levels cs seems pretty easy and comparable to IGCSEs) bro why is college so expensive the entire program is estimated around 30600 tuition fees and some miscellaneous one time fees that adds up the total to 41000 I wanted to pay for my education myself actually I didn’t want to pay anything at all I wanted a full scholarship :(
Okay now that it's the next day I can write about what happened after my exam. So right before I was the last one to leave the registration room because last minute I realised I needed to revise the ion table so I quickly pulled out anki and started reading. It was about 4 minutes to key time and I still remember because I still played Microbots first before reading despite the time lol. Good news is that last minute reading PAID OFF because the EXACT question I was revising for came out (Q39) and I got it RIGHT.
Anyway in the exam hall I waited for the invigilator to finish that whole instructions and regulations speech and then I raised up my hand and asked, "Do we get the full 6 minutes for transferring?" (IT WAS A VALID QUESTION BECAUSE I WANTED TO SWITCH STRATEGIES; usually after each question I'll shade the answer but since it's chemistry mcq where mytime allocation is a little more unpredictable, I wanted to finish the whole test first and then shade. I didn't want anyone to, you know, TAKE AWAY MY PAPER WITHOUT ME SHADING ANSWERS) and then he was like "I said it already." ok.
AFter the test when tc was collecting our papers he literally whispered "Merdeka" to each student lol it was so funny. Then I really just ciao'ed out of there. Some people were talking about how they weren't allowed to leave yet anyway for our grad performance rehearsal thing but I really just left. I just wanted a normal day without a break down AGAIN. Oh but as I was packing my things in the registration room