marine actuary14.sep.25

Anyway! I got wayy sidetracked here lol. What I wanted to talk about was the dream I had yesterday night. Right when I felt that I was slowly regaining consciousness from sleep I immediately made a mental note in my head of the dream cuz I haven't had such an interesting dream in quite a while, and by that I mean with an actual plot. Right after I woke up, I wrote this summary:

If you're wondering why it's so chaotic, it's cuz, like I said, this was right after waking up, and both are practically universally synonymous by this point. Anyway, just to elaborate a little on each bullet point, I was working as a marine actuary (I'm not even sure if those exist in real life...), and I was living in the cabin by the water body I was studying, where a few other people resided, but particularly this old man who honestly gives grandpa vibes also stayed there and gave us all practical advice on how to survive by the seaside (wasn't sure if it was the sea, exactly, but some form of water body), and he also cooks breakfast for us!

exploding kittens16.sep.25

Wait, actually, speaking of my sleep schedule, I honestly have no idea how I ended up sleeping in my mind because I remember I was listening to a wl subliminal by my desk and closed my eyes, and I saw that I listened to it fully when I reopened my laptop after waking up, but I swear I did NOT go to bed?? On a lighter note, I dreamt of playing Exploding KIttens :) (Read the context here.)

be brave17.sep.25

Okay NEXT. The "be brave" dream. Basically, I was in a school, quite desolate and empty yet full and crowded at the same time. It had a similar layout to my primary school, but it had a very different part of it. Actually, I'm not sure if the school was part of the "be brave" dream, but it did have a school element to it, so maybe it was a continuation of that previous dream (I think I've had that same school seting twice. I usually do have dreams in school settings but, different school landscape, yk?).

So in the dream I was defeating a monster (my guess is that this came from the fact that after I woke up at 12a.m., I decided to go onto Betwixt, this mental health app that uses storytelling for healing with the most gorgeous UI I've ever seen, especially after I've basically left it to collect dust for months? I played the latest "dream" (that's what they call a "chapter" there), but quickly realised I've already played it before), and there was someone else with me, another teenager, he was also helping me defeat the monster. I do vaguely remember him being a guy I was close to, but I can't seem to remember his name. I think I did call out his name in the dream, just like an action movie (like when ladybug calls for chat noir). We eventually subdued the monster and we high-fived, and we walked out of the building with the monster in (it was green btw). But as soon as I exited, I had this weird sinking intuition that something was incomplete. Surely it wasn't that easy?

Sure enough, the monster came back. It roared, and that seems kind of silly, but that’s actually what I heard. It grew larger. It went unrestrained, it broke free of its “cage” (we aka me and that boy put him in a small room that looked like a hospital room except completely empty). It rampaged the streets. Imagine godzilla but without the loud heavy footsteps and make him elusive.

Everyone was evacuating and a handful of people got evacuated into this cafe that was acting as a temporary safety shelter, including me. This is the moment I remember most distinctly and at the time I thought, “I must remember this after I wake up.”

I was actually shaking because of how scared I was. Everyone was panicking inside and outside. The AC in this cafe was too cool. But then I shut my eyes and told myself, “be brave.” And I also did box breathing (YES that technique my therapist loves to remind me of…) and it actually worked in the dream. I ran outside to face the monster because I needed to help.

I immediately gave directions to backup; run in opposite directions, with me straight to the monster. I used this tactic to observe the monster, and found that when people disturbed the changelings (idk how I came up w that name it was intuitive), aka the little small furry monsters that are a part of the larger godzilla-like monster, its attention was momentarily diverted toward said channeling so I quickly instructed one backup member to grab a changeling and run and as they did that I grabbed another and quickly locked it away as the monster wasn’t looking, and there was two remaining, I remember I wanted to use the same strategy again but quickly realised if I did, there would be no way to lock away the second one, so I instructed the backup members to take two on them and run in opposite directions and while the monster is distracted, I slay it, but before I could, I woke up. :(

3 dreams24.sep.25

I feel really sad right now. Really, I don't even know why. I forced myself to sleep the night. I remember three dreams, one about picking a college out of these pretty pink neon cottages, another about giving a speech about the state of our economy and the breakdown of what an economy even is to a bunch of 5th graders (I don't know if they were actually 5th graders, I made that up), but I stuffed the double paged notes into a drawer and picked up the wrong one, so I had to run across a highway to retrieve the actual notes, but the crowd dispersed when I returned, and the third dream was about my dead grandmother (dad's side), she bought these ultraman slushies for me and I was in the car with her and my little cousin brother, and I was jokingly whining about how I hated ultraman and it was a drink with chocolate icing and strawberry filling.

morbid11.oct.25

Also, I had a morbid dream last night where I cut off part of my pinky finger due to an abrasion on my fingertip and in the dream I knew I was dreaming it because when I played guitar yesterday I purposely slided my pinky finger across the thinnest string for the highest pressure with applied force

I’m really still really bothered by this dream. I have a lot of control over my dreams, I’m conscious of every action I do in my dreams and conscious of my thought processes basically my brain is still very active in my dreams I just can’t change the dream itself, basically it feels like real life, and cutting my finger off in THIS dream felt like, like after I did it I was left wondering how I didn’t even feel any pain and I was trying to reason with myself on why I did it (because there was an abrasion on my fingertip, it’s needed….its needed…) like I kept trying to convince myself it was rational but I knew it wasn’t and at some point I got really curious and picked up the piece of my finger I cut out (this is the part that’s really disturbing to me now because of how clearly I see it, I keep having to look at my finger in real life to make sure it's still there.) and looked at the cross section out of curiosity and it was horrifying; no bone obviously but pure flesh nd blood and my god

I’m so disturbed it’s so morbid the thing is I’m extremely averse to gore and I’ve never had morbid dreams like this before. I’ve dreamt scary dreams yes but not like actively being dissected or anything like that my usual scary dreams are like Godzilla kidnapping me or me fighting Godzilla or pack of Godzillas rampaging the city (wow I just realised I dream abt Godzilla a lot lol) or my friend holding out a knife to kill me or even just really really terrifying dreams (paranormal especially) but never actual harm to myself like this. I HAVE dreamt of attempting suicide but still nothing THIS MORBID where I can actually see every detail of the harm done and the fact that I was still alive for the aftermath.

MUN14.oct.25

Ok side note then immediately back to studying, I dreamt about joining this MUN abroad and it had three rounds and I made it through the super competitive first round (only one in my school to get through) and bro my improvised speeches were actually SO GOOD in my dream I can completely see how I got through (but also the others who got through were formally trained w super expensive coaches so frankly I was baffled like am I even on the same level as them with my IMPROVISED speeches?)

Then next round I was at a local primary school but my phone died and I couldn’t contact anyone not even my schoolmates to tell them where I was and finally I made it to the third round though I think I didn’t get to speak the third round (it was like a dream timeskip) and I got frustrated abt it but the results were out and I got 9th place which for an INTERNATIONAL event is ballistic, there were only 10 prizes and probably 10000+ contestants. Like IK that’s not how MUN works, anyhow, but I was really happy about it.

And as I was staying abroad right, I rented out this place for a few years apparently and was sharing it with my friends (schoolmates etc) and this crazy lazy (25+ yo) came knocking angrily and when I didn’t answer she could open my door (somehow she had the keys) and she yelled saying, “are you sure you’re living in the right room?!” I checked my card—room 154, I told her, yeah, it’s correct? And she started yelling about how I needed to show her evidence so I showed her my card, the official card and the keys and she was still really angry and she was like, “send me all the evidence! You better build your case or I’m going to evict you!” I was like girl we’re all 16 years old and below why are you beefing with children?? And she was like, “I don’t care! You’re stealing MY place! My friend is going to come over and she has the keys too, FYI.”

So I just stood there kinda scared cuz like we were abroad we didn’t have anywhere else to stay but I guess I just had to wait it out and I sent her every piece of evidence I could find (drawings of the room I made, official documents, pictures from the previous years I was there at the lobby/room etc) and then girl came back yelling and she was like oh you sent xyz? Here’s why it’s NOT true and that is still MY ROOM. And at last I was like, “if you insist that’s your room, sure, but we’re not fighting for the sake of it, we’re fighting for a place to live at so even if you want to claim it, let us stay” and she was like that’s not my problem!